Longest. Week(s). Ever.

Okay, I'm not going to lie, I think this was the longest, most awful two weeks of my life. That's saying a lot since I have been married for um, oh say, 20 years?

From Michael losing his job it has been so stressful and money is just getting on track again. Our lease is ending in November and I have no idea what we're going to do. Do we stay paying lots of money to rent or do we spend that much or less and invest in buying a home?

Everytime I see a home I like, we go and we look at it and I always end up loving it, and then I get this really bad gut feeling that I'm doing the wrong thing.
1) Because buying a home is a big deal and I want to be ready
2) I'd like to put a lot of money down
3) Because I feel safe in our apartments. We are right in town and we live around a bunch of nice families and no partying/drinking/teenagers

If I could change one thing about how everything has panned out, I would have stayed at my parents when they let us live in their basement a few months after we got married. But no, I had to move in to a big, nice, expensive apartment that isn't worth the money I'm paying for it instead of saving the money. Instead of paying 600 a month we were "renting the basement" for 400 a month and come to find out, my dad was actually saving that 400 every month and was going to give it back to us when we left so we could use it as a down payment. I'm so stupid.

On another note, do you remember when I went through my baby fever phase? I know you do! Well, I have completely lost it. I don't even know what's happened to me! I went from wanting a baby so bad, (or should I say wanting a baby to dress up so bad ;) to having not one bone in my body that itches for a baby. These are the times people get pregnant, when they completely don't want to/don't expect it.. But I'm praying that isn't the case here.

I think part of me thought that because I was married that that is just what came next, but then I also have to realize I'm only 20, so I have a long time to have babies! So, I have my appointment ready and I am more than excited to go get that stick of birth control in my arm, no lie. Unfortunately, my doctor is "high demand" so the next appointment was availible in December--BUT I'm going to be calling the doctor Monday to see if anything has opened!

On a better note, I'm starting back with my personal trainer. I made a big boo boo by quitting and this time I am NOT going to do that, and to keep me from doing that I'm going to pay ahead rather than per work-out, ha! I have really let myself get to the point where I am completely unhappy, and not being comfortable in your own body is one of the worst feelings I think I have ever had. I may not be "fat" or whatever your definition of it is, but I look in the mirror and I am completely disgusted with myself. For the first time ever, on the past beach trip I wouldn't even take my shirt off to lay out because I was so uncomfortable.

I remember at one point wanting to leave because I felt so out of place with every skinny girl with an amazing body staring at me. I have gained 30 lbs since Michael and I started dating, that is INSANE! Yay, for having someone who can eat chocolate and fried food 24-7 and his weight gain goes right to MY body. So gross.